dispensable Saviors & multiple choice tests

but then why would i need You if i had all the answers?

You’d be dispensable.

i don’t want a dispensable God. 

somedays i wonder why You don’t make things clearer for me. if You want me here or there, just tell me! lay it all out so i can be sure to be faithful! i’m not a mind reader, especially not for a mind of an all-powerful & all-knowing God!

the more messy days i live the more i realize faithfulness isn’t following some certain path i need to know ahead of time. studying You doesn’t mean studying for a multiple choice test: it’s studying You to learn to breathe and be. faithfulness is not that game i played as a child, avoiding the splits in the sidewalk, as if stepping on the cracks on the cobblestone means letting you down. it’s not scaring myself out of beautiful things by saying You might not show up. it’s not letting my fear make a cripple out of me & decide my fate. faithfulness is overcoming the fear, stepping into that terrifyingly gorgeous place because You promised to be there. it’s loving the people around me and reflecting Your strength and kindness in the tasks in front of me, knowing You’ve already been there. it’s simply stepping into the unknown, holding Your hand, terrified but trusting: in that i am being faithful.

i wonder if You gave me all the answers and all the steps to get to those answers before i had to risk: stepping out in faith and taking unsure but steady steps towards Your voice beckoning me into the fog, then why would i need You? if You’d assured me of the intricacies of the future, then i could take it from there, thank you & adieu.

if every answer to every question of the future was laid out before me, would i be more willing to trust? what would be left for trust You for? if i knew exactly how everything in my life was going to play out, then someone please tell me, what would be Your use? all i’d have is a dispensable faith: lifeless, unnecessary and empty.

do i want You in the murky unknown or to be alone in the clarified answers?

i know i want You. even in these murky waters that threaten to drown me.

You aren’t sitting there frustrated with my lack of understanding or tapping Your toes hurrying me to move along. You aren’t leaving me alone in these muddied waters. i will not drown.

You see the answers but you also see my pain. You share in it with me, i know.

for You are good.

i know i doubt that goodness in my pain.

but You are good.

i might be weary, i might feel like You put me through something i didn’t deserve, but then i remember You saved me from what i ultimately earned. a few broken hearts doesn’t change that. i am redeemed from the punishment i should suffer.

You don’t control their actions, just as You don’t control mine. You made us sharp: but with that we can cut each other. Our choices are our own, as much as we call You Lord. 

protect us from bitter hearts and frustrated souls.

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